Gospel for the Fallen Ones Pt1: Write in an eBook
By. A. Devia
Hi! I'm Devia your bipolar, goth priestess. I've been preaching to you for a few weeks now. The ancients were lost, but now they are found. They fell but were not defeated. I'm assembling their philosophies. Would you know more?
Write in an eBook
"This is gospel for the fallen ones, Locked away in permanent slumber. Assembling their philosophies, From pieces of broken memories." -This Is Gospel by Panic! at the Disco
I heard behind me a loud voice like the sound of a trumpet, saying, “Write in the book what you've seen." I hung my head and covered my face with my hands. I knew this moment was coming, but did it have to come while I was taking a shit?
"Ragar!" I called out, "that's not funny and you know it!"
He chuckled in a voice that sounded like rolling thunder. The glass jar of cotton swabs on the back of my toilet shook, then crashed to the ground. "Oops…," he muttered, "Sorry Devia, I forgot to turn down the volume."
I flushed the toilet and stepped into my hallway expecting to find some sort of spectacle. I wasn't disappointed. Hovering about 4 feet above the ground was a translucent green blubbery ghost who said, "The door has been opened," then promptly disappeared.
"That's the crappiest attempt at Slimer that I've ever seen," I called out, but it was no use. He was gone and my entire existence was about to change.
I went into my bedroom which was an electic bohemian mix of colorful area rugs and mismatched antique and modern furniture. On the walls was a cacophony of art including paintings, photographs, carved wooden panels and more. The windows were draped with curtains and sheers with reds and oranges that were held up by black iron piping. The walls were beige and ceiling a cerulean blue that made it feel more like you were outside than in.
I opened a hidden compartment and from it, I retrieved a book, bound with the skin of a living creature, warm to the touch, and worn smooth with time. The Kalakon.
"What was that about?" asked Ophelia.
"It's time," I replied.
"Time for what?" asked Ophelia, an adorable little pixie with bat wings and huge ears. She has been with me for what seems like forever.
"Time to tell my story, all of our stories."
"Oh, then I'll get some popcorn!" she squeaked and disappeared.
My name is now Alice Devia, I was born with a different name, but that was so many lifetimes ago, I can hardly remember it now. Anyway, you can just call me Devia, everyone does. There is magic in my blood, but I've not been chosen just because of my heritage. I have been tried and tested by divinity and shockingly; I was not found wanting. I'm not really sure how that happened, but who am I to question beings more powerful than I? I have been trained in the ways of the Seidr (SAY-der), an individual that accesses the collective knowledge of creation, the Akashic records, the web of fate, and even the knowledge, memories and emotions of other beings.
I've met the old gods, the new gods, and everything in-between. It doesn't matter what names I give them; it doesn't matter what names they had 1,000 years ago. It doesn't matter what names they had in the beginning, before man was even a thought. They are all the same - the truth is still the truth. You may think you recognize some of my stories; you'd be right. Don't let the names fool you. It's the truth between the lies that matters.
Guide to the Akashic Library
To better understand my mad ramblings, you must understand what the Akashic Records are. Akasha (ākāśa आकाश) is the Sanskrit word for "aether" or "atmosphere". Alternately, in Hindi, Akash (आकाश) means "sky" or "heaven". In 1883, Alfred Percy Sinnett, wrote in his book, Esoteric Buddhism, of a Buddhist belief in "a permanency of records in the Akasa" and "the potential capacity of man to read the same." Western philosphy calls it Collective Consciousness. Whatever your ancestry or culture or religion, it doesn't matter; it's all the same. Reading the sky, hearing the whispers on the wind or that small voice inside your head, seeing the unseen, feeling the emotions of others, these things are not for the faint of heart. If you're easily offended, close minded, or already feeling faint…leave now, before I shatter your beliefs and shake the foundation of your world. Ignorance is bliss and none of this will save your life when the end comes anyway.
Not all that glitters is good
History is written by the victors
Not all who wander are lost
A new path can only be seen by looking back
Not all that is over is past
The best lies are almost truth
Not all that have fallen are defeated
That which came before always comes again
Oh, you're still here? Ok, then, brave soul. You'll first need to understand why my Seidr abilities are special because I assume you've never tried to access the Akashic Library yourself. The Akashic Library has terrible hours and is nearly impossible to access at will. I've petitioned them for better customer service, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Though, now that I think of it, the head librarian, well, I'm not sure she, he? I'm not sure it's gender or species, for that matter, but I don't think it has ears. Maybe that's part of the problem. One day, on the door to the library, in teeny tiny print, I found this flyer posted:
Welcome to the Akashic Library
This guide will give you some basic facts about our Library. Materials can be read on site or checked out for the purposes of personal gain, literary publications, and world domination. If you possess the proper divine gift and Seidr training, your material will automatically be chosen and delivered to you at our convenience. All others must beg for entrance, proffer the proper burnt sacrificial offering and don't forget the secret hand shake breathing sequence. Remember (under penalty of sado-masochistic orgies sex rituals with the staff) that whenever you need any help finding your way through the sacred rows of our resources, DO NOT ASK ANY MEMBER OF THE LIBRARY STAFF.
HOURS: 3:37am in the morning to 6:42am in the morning, Monday and Thursday, 3:37am in the morning to 4:27am in the morning, Tues., Wed., & Fri. Wednesday night from 7:00pm in the evening to 7:02pm in the evening. We are closed for all holidays, regardless of species, realm, race or dimension. STUDENTS MUST SHOW ID, BIRTH CERTIFICATE, NAME PRINTED CLEARLY ON UNDERWEAR, AND GREAT GREAT GRANDFATHER'S DOG TAGS TO BE ADMITTED TO THE LIBRARY ON WEDNESDAY EVENINGS. Any changes will be announced and posted 3 minutes in advance.
PASSES: BLUE Reference passes are available from your subject teacher if you have the signature of your yogi in blue, every guidance counsellor in green, and the Shaman in magenta. Or you can obtain an ORANGE pass from the Staff between 8:01 and 8:13am in the morning if you have the above requirements and written permission from the Buddha or the Christ. These passes may be used to come to the Library from class or study hall on B day during the first 3 periods and F day during 6th and 8th periods. The KALAKON pass was lost sometime in the past, if you possess it, you have the answer to life, the universe and everything.
CHECKING OUT MATERIALS: ALL Library materials must be signed out with your student ID with the proper barcode attached if you have had a full psychological no less than 3 weeks prior. If your ID has in anyway been damaged you MUST fill out form RU486 in triplicate, pay the $50 replacement charge, and wait 3-6 weeks for approval and replacement and be reborn before signing out materials. All materials must be "desensitized" before they leave the Library because the poor darlings may get their feelings hurt if left with you crude hooligans. Students and our beloved materials leave only through the Library exit gate 53. Running, skipping, rolling, or flying through other doors, ventilation ducts, windows, concrete walls, or other exits WILL NOT BE PERMITTED!
LATE FEES: All checked out material is due by 3:37am in the morning on the third day. Late fees will begin accruing immediately upon failure to return the material. Late fees will be collected daily in the form of random sequences of your DNA. We will not be responsible for side effects including but not limited to degenerative diseases, random mutations, and devolving to lower forms of life including slime, single celled amoeba or blob fish.
A SHORT TOUR OF THE LIBRARY
THE CIRCULATION DESK: Special over privileged collections of RESERVE BOOKS are located behind the desk. These materials are signed out for use in the Library ONLY, and must be returned at the end of your period. Seeing as how males do not have periods they may not use these. If you are a male with a period, then please seek professional guidance and stop bothering us.
THE COPY MACHINES: You may photocopy materials for $10 dollars per copy. Be sure to read all 200 pages of the directions and pass the Photocopy Machine Operating Assessment Examination before you begin, or ask one of the Staff who does not have PMS for help. Photocopies of body parts may be sold at the Photocopies of Body Parts Stand for no more than $7 dollars apiece.
AUDIOVISUAL CENTER: Audiovisual software (video recordings, kits, etc.) are stored here. A previewing/listening room is available by appointment for using these materials. This privilege will be REVOKED if students start leaving sticky messes behind and/or switching materials.
PERIODICAL ROOM: Back issues of magazines, newspapers, magazines on microfilm and microfiche are located here. Copies of microfiche may be made for you if you get down on your knees, beg, and offer the right favors. The cost is $25 dollars per page. Typewriters for student use are located in a small (3x3½ft) room within the Periodical Room. If we have any incidents of students chaining themselves to the typewriters due to infatuation with the clicky keys (like last year), then the door will be permanently locked.
REFERENCE SECTION: This section contains general encyclopedias, handbooks (these may be slightly sticky), dictionaries (sizes small, medium, large, and extra-large), oversized books, and other specialized, Special Ed. sources.
ELECTRONIC RESOURCES: Witch Weekly, WhipPerfect, NewBed (a computer index to new bedroom accessories), and ACCESS-ALL are available on the Library's computer network. The computer illiterate staff will not permit hacking of any sort.
READING/MEDITATION ROOM: All rules will be strictly adhered to at all times. Out of body experiences are strictly prohibited. In the event that one should occur, and one's body is left unattended for more than 30 mins, it will be towed and impounded at the owners expense. There shall be no mental transference or mind melds of any kind, nor strange odors biological or otherwise. Any violations of these rules shall result in your souls eternal entrapment in the Book of Rules. **We strongly advise against attempting any type of meditation in this room without a towel.**
CAREER MATERIALS: A variety of career materials are located in a special section. This section, however, was lost several years ago. If you find it, please tell a staff member.
ART COLLECTION: Materials on a variety of art topics are shelved near the career area.
This ends our tour of the Akashic Library. We know you will have questions--just do not ask us! REMEMBER that your most important source of clues to help you find something are the numerous trails of squirrel droppings.
How Did I Get Here?
"Hold it!" cried Ophelia.
"What?" I asked. "I was on a roll."
"Sure, you've done a great job explaining how hard it is access the Akashic Library and gain a direct connection into and out of the collective knowledge of the universe. You must ask yourself, well, how did I get here?"
"Right! Well that would be the first time I met you, wouldn't it?"
"Sort of, but it was the first time you met them. Let's all go to the movies! I've got the popcorn, you change the film reel!"
(continued next week)